You do a pretty good job of describing my mental landscape when it comes to relationships. I struggle, I write to process, I look for root causes. I highlighted the word "should" because I think it plays a big factor in why we punish ourselves. The narrative seems to be that I "should" have friends and not having them implies I am not worthy of love, something is wrong with me. I am actively letting go of that feeling (but its a process, akin to sanding a piece of wood). Friends will be found or not. That is not an indicator of your worth as a person. Stop shoulding all over yourself. 😁